There are two possible responses to any relationship problem: self-evaluation and blaming the other.
Self-evaluation, not self-blame is the preferred alternative to blaming the other.
Self-blame is a false kind of humility that assumes everything must be my fault, and that only I and no one else have done wrong. It entails automatically adopting the other person’s view of you.
In contrast, self-evaluation means looking at yourself objectively and considering what you think about what you’ve done. Was it a good thing? Did you use your common sense or were you triggered emotionally? On second thought, would you have preferred to have done it differently? You have an opinion about your behavior, just as you have an opinion about anything else in the world.
It’s natural to want to place the blame elsewhere. It takes work and awareness to consider your own contribution to what went wrong, and doing so is a sign of spiritual strength
If, after concluding that you wished you had done differently, you then admit as much to the other person, the other person will often admit to his or her own contribution to the problem or the miscommunication. When it comes from a sincere place and isn’t done as a manipulative tactic, people are willing to investigate their own behavior honestly.
The result is that both you and the other person change for the better and the relationship improves.
What’s wonderful about this is that people don’t even care if you don’t own this strength in the most polished way. Even if you only want to look at yourself, it motivates the other person to look at him or herself. It’s so simple to do.