Our capacity for forgiveness is accessed by humility, appreciation, amazement, gratitude, judging without standing in judgment, responsiveness, wisdom, introspection and more. Take all of the words describing forgiveness of others and turn them into “I” language and you can access your ability to forgive yourself.
I am not God. Once I’ve gotten that clear and out of the way, I understand that although it may seem to me that I should be perfect, actually I am not, and I am not designed to be perfect. I’m designed to live and learn, grow and strive.
Everything that happens is orchestrated by a vastly greater wisdom than mine. This Wisdom and Force for creation is also compassionate, and continues to keep me alive despite my mistakes, and waits patiently for me to learn from them. Let me be as forgiving and compassionate of myself as my Creator is of me.
I stand in wonder and amazement at the variety of people in the world and I stand in awe at how I fit in the bigger picture of things as one small piece of the mosaic. Even when I’m upset with myself or frustrated with my pace of progress, there is a place for me in this world. Let me do my best to fill my space.
I can appreciate my special uniqueness and contribution to the world by seeing the good in myself (and there is always good I can find) and I feel blessed for the gifts that God has given me, and also for the challenges by which God guides me.
Standing in judgment is not the same as making judgments and evaluating whether something is good or bad. Knowing the difference between right and wrong is critically important, as is knowing the difference between standing in judgment and making judgments. I should make judgments about my behavior but I will leave the judging up to God.
If I have done wrong and even if I haven’t, maybe God has put me together with a particular person or situation particularly to bring clarity where my perception is warped.
At the same time, as Rabbi Isaac Hacohen Kook warns in his elucidation of divine character traits, I must take care not to correct myself in harsh ways. This should not be an excuse for wrongful behavior, but it’s up to me to treat myself with compassion, and tread softly, finding pathways for growth and change that are gentle yet effective.
An idea often suggested is that you need to separate the person from his or her actions. This doesn’t necessarily work. In the end of the matter, I did do this behavior. True, but an action that is harmful to myself or others is not “who I am.” In order to change, I have to admit what I’ve done and regret it, while at the same time distance myself from it and stop identifying with this behavior. In this process I come to realize that I was not in control of myself and was not being true to myself. Yes, I did this, but I was not truly being myself.
I try to remind myself not to seek self-glorification and take a better-than-thou attitude, as if my struggles are superior to their struggles. We are all in the same boat. We are all struggling in one way or another. Yes, I prefer my tests over theirs, not because it makes me superior but because I would rather have my tests to deal with. Let me focus only on rising to my challenges and let them rise to theirs.
Maybe I haven’t done anything wrong, but rather the issue is bad feelings I am holding inside. In that case, my negatively charged emotions give me an opportunity to learn about myself and choose to take charge of my emotions in a constructive way.
Finally, I like to recall Rabbi Shlomo Carlebachs’ adage, “You never know.” There is so much more that I don’t know than what I do know, even about myself. A human being is a profoundly spiritual being. I am incapable of knowing even the depths of myself. Let me only be honest with myself and use any self-awareness that comes to me, whether it is complimentary or otherwise, to serve a meaning beyond myself that is, to serve God.