If you are of baby boomer age or even adjacent to it, you might remember that famous movie/book “Love Story” and it’s well-known motto, ‘love means never having to say you’re sorry’. This happened to pop into my head the other day when I was developing some ideas about personal empowerment.The attitude that you don’t need to voice apologies to those to whom you are closest to sounds really lovely and very altruistic – at least if you are the one in position to forgive a hurt against yourself.
But the reverse is entirely different. Reassuring yourself there’s no need for you to take accountability is a cop-out regarding personal responsibility and ironically, actually serves to weaken your own sense of empowerment.
When you hold yourself accountable for your actions you are recognizing your ability to act and to affect your environment, for good or for bad. Even when we feel regret for past actions, recognizing and accepting responsibility to act empowers us through our awareness that we can make choices.
Faith in our ability to act now leads us to believe we are not powerless; if we have acted in the past, we can also make a choice to act differently in the future. In potential, we have the possibility of influencing and changing ourselves and the world.
But if a person does not consider that they are accountable how can he or she possess any personal power? From where would such a person draw the ability to accomplish anything at all? How would one even be able to keep one’s self safe?
The self-perceived victim lashes out in anger at those around him or her. The arousal of anger feels like strength, but in truth is seldom more than an illusory sensation of power; the outburst comes from a place of fear and powerlessness.
A true victim is someone who in fact is powerless to affect his or her situation. A victim is acted upon and has no capacity for choice. But it is possible to unwittingly enter an illusory victim mode; I blame others because I see them as calling all the shots and perceive there is nothing I can do to change my predicament. Because I’ve given others responsibility for my emotional state I’ve given up my control to change it, so I remain emotionally stuck.
Of course in our world, there are unfortunately true and objective situations in which people are victims of another’s wrong-doing, but the most basic and intrinsic freedom that can never be wrenched from an adult unless one relinquishes it, is the power and freedom to choose one’s attitude.
If you are in a situation in which you become the target of blame by someone who is stuck in a victim mind-set, recognize that tremendous power is being attributed to you, almost as if you are being handed a set of keys. Using that that differential with wisdom can help shift the balance of power to truly empower the other person.
Accountability is a two-way street. When you hold yourself accountable you create a self-empowering focus that highlights potential choices in all situations. So, returning to the fictional maxim of the popular movie alluded to above, I would be inclined to edit it thus: genuine self-respect, self-empowerment and self-‘love means being able to say you’re sorry.’
Sara Gold C.EHP is a Diplomate candidate in Logotherapy at the Frankl Institute for Logotherapy and Energy Health Practitioner via the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology. She is a certified professional in the EFT, TAT and EMETT methods and practices in Jerusalem. Sara can be reached at sara@InnerEnergyHealth.com