“I’d love to cultivate curiosity. Some people are easy for me to talk to and with other people I don’t have a clue what to ask. Can this trait be learned?”
Questions for social gatherings are not the same as questions for someone who has come to you with the express aim of self-exploration. Yet, this short essay will address the issue of how questions are formulated in one’s mind and not what you verbalize.
Curiosity is a more basic skill than listening because it clues you in on what to listen for which in turn gives you idea about what to say or ask. There are several ways to develop curiosity.
The most important skill is the art of paying attention. What are you paying attention to? Everything! Make a habit of seeking information.
Be as descriptive as you possibly can, without passing judgment. Is she looking down, moving her hands? Is he changing the subject? What do you see?
Furthermore, what is actually happening in this person’s life? What are they sharing and what do they seem to be avoiding? What information is missing for you? What is not entirely clear?
You are curious about the deeper layers beneath the surface of reality as well. (We can call something ‘deep’ either in the sense of being more spiritual and intangible or in the sense of being unrevealed.) How this person is experiencing life? What are their thoughts and feelings about what is happening? How do they relate to their experience, opinions, interpretations, conclusions, evaluations, emotional reactions, and behaviors? Do they think they are right? Justified? Are they unsure of themselves?
What is important to them and why? To what extent are they aware of their own values? What are their values? (Can you help them become aware now?) Do their actions flow from their values? Do their life goals and behaviors match their values? What do they believe to be true about life? What are their strengths? How have these strengths manifested in the past? How can they be used now?
If you put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it’s like to be them, a lot of question marks will arise about what they’re saying or not saying. “What did you do? What happened next? What did he say when you said that? How did you feel about that?”
It’s not so much about some mysterious ability to know what questions to ask as it is about being present – to taste what it’s like to be them, to see the world as they see it, to be attuned to the whole spectrum of complex and sometimes contradictory emotions they are feeling. Their interpretation of events might be distorted, but their emotional world and their perspective is part of the picture of their reality that you want to know and understand. Imagine you are a reporter or detective, albeit a silent one, interested in getting to the rock-bottom of the story.
You may ask, “How am I to relate to this individual?” We can divide this into two parts. a) Who are you? and b) Who are you to me?
When you silently ask, “Who are you?” you are wondering what this person does in the world and how he or she experiences life. What are her highest dreams and deepest longings, what Viktor Frankl would call her ‘unheard cry for meaning’? What opportunities is life inviting her to? When does she feel fulfilled? What does she love doing, and what does she love about whatever she happens to be doing? What is the quality she carries around always and everywhere, that makes her who she is?
Seeing this unique, one-of-a-kind spark of the divine, you will wonder, “Why did the Creator of the universe deem it necessary for this person to be in the world? What special, admirable and valuable traits does this person have? How is the world incomplete without him or her?”
You can meet people who are very expressive and forthcoming, and seem to be more or less fully themselves. There is not much digging for you to do. To the degree that this person is emerging as the unique individual he or she was created to be you will more easily be capable of seeing the divine spark in them.
At other times the spark is well hidden. People can be shy and withdrawn. They can be fearful and put up many defenses and act in ways that push other people away. In cases of dementia or mental illness the spirit is even harder to find.
However, if you hold on to the belief that there exists an indestructible spirit underlying any superficial effects, the hidden-ness and barriers will only serve to make you more determined to locate that spirit. You may wonder, for instance, “What possibilities does he have for dealing with his situation and what is blocking him from seeing the full range of possibilities?” It’s possible to train yourself to want to seek the concealment of this person, through a simple reminder that what you see is only the tip of the iceberg. Then, a longing will be awakened in you to want to help this person emerge.
However, curiosity does not mean detachment. Someone who has suffered the loss of a child can be approached with an attitude of: “What a great story I can add to my collection!” Sensing such an attitude, the person will not be interested in sharing. She wants people to be interested because they care about her. In addition, a person has a right to privacy. The emphasis should be on how to see the person in his or her shining essence, not how to get information out of them that they don’t wish to divulge. You can also sit in silence and appreciate someone’s inner beauty.
“Who are you to me?” is a different sort of question. Assume the two of you were put together for a reason. This person has a need that you are capable of helping him or her with. You are on a fact-finding mission to discover what it is. You might say, “I’m shy and this person is not forthcoming.” – Maybe you are being invited to overcome your shyness. I was at a dinner where one of the guests asked me if I knew a tour guide who could show another one of the guests around. I was able to help, because he makes it a habit to think in terms of connections. This one knows this one who knows this one. There is surely someone here who can help… Alternatively, you can learn something from this person, and you can look with an eye to seeing what you can learn.
How can you learn to pay attention? Mindfulness meditation, logotherapy and the Jewish concept of da’at are among the many approaches that teach this. The diversity of disciplines that see attention as central to the process of personal growth proves its fundamental importance.
One point worth mentioning is the need to pay attention to what is diverting your attention. Namely, emotional reactivity clouds your vision. It causes you to both see only selectively, and what you do see is with distortion. Your description of what you see will be an emotion-driven interpretation, not the truth. The advice is not to shove your reactivity away. Instead, notice your emotions and ask yourself what will allow you to let them go.
All of this is an orientation and communication that is going on even before you open your mouth to speak. What to actually say is an entirely different question. But it has to start with being curious. The other person senses a lot more about what you’re thinking than you realize.