What makes forgiveness possible for you?
I’m going to tell it like it is, for me. I’m not turning to any kind of book, although some ideas I’ve picked up from books I’ve intentionally internalized and made my own. I’m only putting down what has worked for me, whenever I have been successful at being forgiving.
I am not God. Once I’ve gotten that clear and out of the way, I understand that although it may seem to me that I am the center of the universe, actually I am not. I am one small piece of the mosaic that makes up this beautiful world that God created. Everything that happens is not exactly the way I want it to be. It’s orchestrated by a vastly greater wisdom than mine.
In fact, I stand in wonder and amazement at the variety of people in the world and I stand in awe at how I fit in the bigger picture of things as one small piece of the mosaic and every other person, including this person who is irritating me right now, has a place that makes the picture complete.
I can appreciate this special individual’s uniqueness and contribution to the world by seeing the good in this person (and there is always good you can find in everyone) and I feel blessed by what I have to learn from him or her, since this individual has certain gifts that I don’t have, and when we all learn from each other we are richly blessed.
Standing in judgment is not the same as making judgments and evaluating whether something is good or bad. Knowing what is right and wrong is critically important and knowing the difference between standing in judgment and making judgments. Make judgments but leave the judging up to God.
If he or she has done wrong, maybe God has put me together with this person particularly because I am the one who has been commissioned to set things right, to bring clarity where someone’s perception is warped.
At the same time, as Rabbi Isaac Hacohen Kook warns in his elucidation of divine character traits, don’t be so quick to correct people. It’s possible that this weakness of theirs is a life-saving defense mechanism for them, protecting them from worse things. For them it should not be an excuse for wrongful behavior, but it’s your job to have compassion, and tread softly.
An idea often suggested is that you need to separate the person from his or her actions. This doesn’t necessarily work. In the end of the matter, this particular behavior was done by this particular person. True, but an action that is harmful to himself or others is not “who he is.” When people do finally come to a place of regret for what they’ve done, they also feel how much they were not in control of themselves, how much they were not being true to themselves.
I try to remind myself not to seek self-glorification and take a better-than-thou attitude. I am sincerely grateful for the tests I’ve been given in life and prefer my tests over theirs, but really we are all in the same boat. Each of us was created to do our mission and contribute our part. I need to focus on rising up to my challenges. It is up to them to rise to theirs.
On the other hand, maybe this person has done no wrong at all, but only triggered me. I can be irritated by this and blame the other person, or I can use the experience to learn about myself, take responsibility for my emotions, and choose to take charge of my emotions in a constructive way.
Finally, I like to recall Rabbi Shlomo Carlebachs’ adage, “You never know.” You might not even be correct in your assessment of what happened, or in all the hidden information that caused events to turn out as they did. There is so much more that I don’t know than what I do know.