How can I know what is the right thing to say when I’m having a disagreement with someone or feeling negative about something that happened?
There is no ‘one size fits all’ answer to this question. However, here is some food for thought.
People are different and they see things differently. Therefore, controversy should be accepted as normal. However, I’d like to suggest a question you can ask yourself, and the way you will answer this question will determine whether this difference will drive a wedge between you or bring you closer. Is this a ‘spiritual’ relationship?’
What I am calling a ‘spiritual’ relationship is the attitude on both sides that we were put together for a reason, and any differences of opinion between us are therefore good and beneficial to us both. It is all grist for the ‘spiritual growth mill.’ I could conceivably have made the distinction between close and distant relationships instead of ‘spiritual’ relationship. The reason why I am insisting on referring to it as ‘spiritual’ is because there is a secret pact of sorts, an intuitive sense that the other person is in agreement on this point, even when you are not necessarily close friends.
It is always risky to disclose your feelings to another. You don’t know how they are going to respond. You don’t know whether or not you may be impacted negatively or you will negatively impact the other. In close relationships there is greater chance of hurting one another with your words, and openness does not preclude the need to be careful not to hurt someone.
However, what is hurtful in a non-spiritual relationship is reparative in a spiritual one. There are times you know something is going to hurt but you say it anyway because it is ultimately healing. There are other times you hurt someone unintentionally. Yet even then, it serves as an opportunity to become more self-aware. – Which sensitive spots has this honest communication touched in me? How can this knowledge help me to grow? Alternatively, how can I learn from this experience to be more sensitive to the other?
In a ‘spiritual’ relationship, openness pays. Barriers dissolve. Disclosure of uncomfortable feelings result in increased closeness and clarity.
In ‘nonspiritual’ relationships, conflicts erect more entrenched barriers. You think to yourself, “If I want to stay friends with this person, I better not say anything…” So you say hello to the person, smile and try to be friendly but the wall between you is palpable. There is no option for intimacy there.
Viktor Frankl reminds us how important it is to ‘see reality as it is.’ Some of the aspects of ‘reality’ to look at are the reality of what my gut feelings are telling me, what my emotions are telling me about myself, what signals I’m reading in the other and what kind of relationship there is between us. On top of all of this you can ask yourself and try to determine the spiritual orientation of both parties. Do both you and the other person share the attitude that whatever feelings transpire between you are a welcome, blessed opportunity for closeness?
If the answer to this question is ‘no,’ then there is a need for tact, and complete openness is not an option.
Yet, an even more fundamental rule is: How the other will hear what you are about to say? This is more fundamental because by asking this, you will know what kind of relationship exists between you, what is the working assumption between you and what is appropriate for specific needs of the situation. What your friend is ready to hear today, at this stage of emotional maturity or with her current ability to access her strengths or with her present mood might not be the same tomorrow.
What do you wish to accomplish? What will be the impact of your words, for good or for bad?