Six necessary preconditions for change.
There are six necessary preconditions for change to take place. You have see yourself as others see you, admit that you need to change, want to change, believe you are capable of change, practice change and imagine change.
See yourself as others see you
Self-awareness is the first precondition for change. Look at yourself objectively to see how you appear and sound from an outsider’s perspective. What effect do your words and actions have on the person you’re talking to?
Some people don’t succeed even in getting over this first hurdle. Everything that happens is only everyone else’s fault. No one can ever do right by them. People only disappoint, betray and hurt them. “I don’t have to change. They’re the ones who have to change!”
Yes, people do cause each other pain sometimes. However, what separates those who enjoy life from those who do not is attitude.
Those who enjoy life, focus on how they can change and grow. Through their process of personal growth, past traumas loosen their grip and serve to strengthen them. Even real injustices done to them are used by them as a springboard for getting in touch with their inner beauty and becoming a loving person.
Those who stagnate, focus on trying to change other people. The slightest lack of sensitivity triggers righteous indignation and a reinstatement of the “victim” identity card.
The only way to enjoy life is to understand that if you want the world to change its relationship towards you, then you have to change your relationship towards the world.
You can’t constantly shout and complain, and then expect endless sympathy. You can’t be bitter and unforgiving and then expect everyone to be sweet to you.
You may think, well I’m the one who’s in pain; they have to understand that. They have to reach out to me.
People do want to be helpful. But not many people can be forever sensitive and understanding when you’re alienating them.
The way you relate to others is the way they relate to you. If you’re not happy about the way people are relating to you, it’s worth considering how you can relate to them differently.
There’s a simple exercise you can do. If you want people to be forgiving, be forgiving of them. If you want people to listen to you, listen to them. If you want people to be helpful to you, ask yourself how you can be helpful to them.
All of this requires looking at yourself from the outside. A therapist once related to me an incident in which he video-taped a session of couples therapy. Before playing it back, he asked the man if he knew that he was shouting very loudly. The man insisted he was not shouting. Seeing the video played back to him when he heard and saw himself, he could no longer deny it. Surprised, he said “This is me?”
How can you see and hear yourself if you don’t make a video of your every movement and every interaction with people? By using your imagination, you can see yourself from the outside. Step out of your skin for a minute and see yourself through someone else’s eyes. What is it like to be on the receiving end of you?