Whether you are a provider or recipient of therapy, a certain phenomenon will be interesting to you. People know when they are heard.
Until this basic need is met, the therapy cannot go any further. An apparent dialogue can take place but the therapy will be stuck.
There is a reason why a client decides to continue with a particular therapist. There is a sixth sense, beyond reflecting another person’s words, that says to him or her, “You recognize, acknowledge and respect what it is that I need.”
Insight into needs does not come in an instant. It takes careful listening to verbal and nonverbal content of the client’s communication. It requires joining them in their place and being open to their unheard cry for meaning.
On the other hand, it’s possible for someone to feel right from the start, “This person has a basic grasp of my need, and is giving legitimacy to my need.”
Alternatively, even though the therapist does not yet understand, the client may nonetheless immediately feel, “This person wants to understand. This person is willing to be here with me and my feelings.” And that is good enough.
A therapist, sitting in the seat of so-called “authority” can be fooled into thinking that techniques and strategies are needed. This assumption leads on one hand to an arrogant stance and on the other to lack of confidence as a therapist.
Just as therapists have to ask clients the right questions, they have to first ask themselves: “Am I capable of recognizing, acknowledging and respecting this person’s needs? Am I willing to be with them in their pain and confusion? Do I care enough to want to understand how they see the world from where they are standing?”
Then both people can know they are in a place where movement can take place.